


To write a journal

by rasalas



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes-centric, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 11:00:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3172090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rasalas/pseuds/rasalas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky Barnes writes a journal as a way of recovering.  [So far only one part but I might write more].</p>
            </blockquote>





	To write a journal

**Author's Note:**

> I rewrote "coming home" to make it look like it's something that Bucky wrote himself, because I think it's more powerful that way. So basically it's him getting a journal because he heard that it was a way of writing down and keep track of what you've done for the last couple of months, but also that putting your feelings on paper will make you feel better.

_Journal - Entry number one_

It isn't easy to forget. I think that everyone that has ever tried can agree on that, with no exeptions. Nightmares are often a constant reminder on what you've seen, what you've done and what you've felt. To wake up in the middle of the night, sometimes screaming at the top of your lungs, and always drenched in sweat, don't make anyone feel any better. What's even worse is to go trough it alone.

The whole "try to forget" experience is something that can happen to everybody. It can be caused by a family member death, a pets death, a horror movie - the list is goes on.

From my point of view though, returning from war is a whole different story. Because after a while you forget that scary movie, you learn to move on after deaths. They will always be with you in your heart, but you will go back to normal. When you have been through a war, you'll never quite be the same again. The nightmares will eventually just come back once a week, once a month or one a year instead of each night, but they will still be there. A constant reminder.

Last week I saw an old movie where a guy goes to Vietnam to fight the war, and when he comes back his friend asks him the simple question of "How are you?". The response was "I'm fine from the neck and down". And I completely understands how he felt. He was lucky enough to get through the war without any life threatening injuries, with all his limbs still attached to his body, but his mind just wasn't right.

Recovering from seventy years of brainwashing isn't something that helps. How do I know when I just carried out orders? How do I know if I actually wanted to do it, or when it was just something that they made me feel?

_James Buchanan Barnes. Known by the name Bucky. Born 1917. Steve Rogers (Captain America) best friend since childhood. Joined the army and got placed in the 107th unit. Later got captured by the HYDRA and experimented on by Dr. Arnim Zola. Rescued by Captain America (Steve Rogers, see earlier). Joined the Howling Commandoes. Got killed in action._

That was the summary of who they thought I was. Who I was before.

I am aware that many people devided their lives in a before and an after. That there where one moment, one accident, one life changing experience that changed the way they viewed and lived their life. And to be honest, I am one of them.

_The Winter Soldier. Skillful assassin. Been operating since the 50's. Never misses a target. Ruthless. He's exeptionally strong, fast and precise. Favorite weapon of choice: SIG-Sauer P220. Easily recognized due to his metalarm. Brainwashed several times._

Half a year ago, that would have been my after. Now, it's my moment. A moment that went on for seventy years, a time where my brain got wiped clean over and over again, and while my body was kept in top shape. So yes, I can surely relate to that movie quote. From the neck and down, I feel amazing. My head, however, is still a mess.. How will I be able to combine the two puzzles that's my before and moment?

No matter how I turn the pieces and try to put them togehter, they won't match. I know that I never want to be the person, the machine, that I was during my _moment_. The problem is that I also know that I never will be able to go back to where I was. So to find a way to combine these complicated puzzles, I simply have to find more information, more memories, that can maybe - just maybe - give me more pieces.

During the last six months I've learned a lot about myself. What my full name is, when I was born, who my best friend was, but also what kind of missions I went on, who the people that I had killed were. But then came the more tricky parts, that wasn't written down in museums or registers. What was my favorite colour? Is it still the same? What were the things that made me happy, and are those still the same? What was my favorite type of drink?

Did it use to be something fancy, like glass of whiskey that I sometimes ordered at the pub when the paycheck came, or was it a glass of my mothers' homemade lemonade? Did I even go to pubs, and did my mother make lemonade? I don't know, and it both frustrates and saddens me.

What I did know, is that I can't give up. During the days I dream of the day where the nightmares will eventually just come back once a week, once a month or once a year instead of each night. I do know I'm getting there, because I've had good nights. Nights where my dreams are full of the future, without the usual numbness that I am so used to. It's comforting dreams, where I live a life where I'll go to the supermarket every Thursday to get food, where I clean my whole aparment each monday, and where I had an actual, normal job. 

I have to figure out the puzzle to be able to do that. I also have to find a way to, maybe not forget, but to be okay with the past. If that will take me years, then so be it. During that time I will hopefully find a way to redeem myself, as well as find a way to handle the nightmares. After that, I will find Steve. Find Steve and hopefully, just hopfully, build up my life again, and be able to return to some kind of reality. Be able to have a home. An identity. A life.

I have to go know, so I'll end this here.

_\- Bucky Barnes_


End file.
